Sunday, August 26, 2012

Divine Spongiform Encephalopathy

The recent outbreak of Divine Spongiform Encephalopathy has completely mystified the Center for Disease Control in Atlaska. Though not widespread, each day new reports are pouring in from different quarters of the World. Scientists have been trying to trace the origin, and classify its symptoms so as to be able to distinguish it from the Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (commonly known as the Mad Cow Disease). After several clinical studies, these are facts that emerge:

  • The etiology is similar to Kuru (disease caused by smaller than virus particles called prions) in Africa due to cannibalism. DSE is found esp in religious organizations, healthcare organizations, NGOs, churches and even corporates. As a result these leaders literally cannibalize their employees, placing them on starvation salaries and the feudalism of faith! 
  • The disease is further amplified in those contexts were no clear rules of superannuation exist.
  • Some eminent figures of the anti-globalization movements say that a test-tube culture of bio-terrorism leaked out. More reasoned evidence has proof that it is not Bio-terrorism but Bhaiya-terrorism (terrorizing your brother in the name of faith.)

Clinical Morphology:

  • Mega-tabulitis: Preference of a large table, behind which to patronize employees. Also called Large Table Syndrome.
  • Inflammatory Smearitis: Active engagement in smear campaigns against anybody who appears threatening to them (Thru long emails and prayer concerns). Clinical tests have shown large amounts of smearic acid in the blood plasma.
  • Moronic Agglutinitis: Coagulative preference to be constantly surrounded only by those of less calibre. The result is the celebration of mediocrity and achievement of nothing.
  • Acute Seatosis: A special cushioned chair in all meetings is sacramentally reserved for them. Even in a vehicle, siting in the placed reserved for them is tantamount to sacrilege.
  • Minutes-metamorphoma: This is a carcinogenic metastatic stage in which board-minutes are always modified, by those with full-blown DSE, for political and monetary benefits.
  • Bricks-without-straw-itis: The Pharoanic tendency to squeeze maximum work with no resources given.
  • Paranoid Cubiculosis: This is a narrow form of vasculitis, in which being outside their cubicle of power gives them the heebie-jeebies. The result is that they are inaccessible to anyone.
  • Merry-go-rounditis:  This is the nihilistic preoccupation with processes than results: everybody is having fun but nobody is going anywhere.
  • Statistico-carcinoma: This is the inflated statistics of all year-end reports. This is further amplified by complications of Vision-Meetings of grandiose objectives in which nobody has a road-map. Sometimes the embellished vision-meeting faith statements are themselves taken as statistics for fund raising. This is an incurable and galloping type of carcinoma.
  • Vile-regurgititis: In this symptom, everything vile (or bile as some pronounce it) is blamed on some scapegoat. It is the equivalent of vomiting on your neighbour after getting drunk. You wipe your mouth and look clean and your neighbour smells and looks dirty. In full-blown DSE, there is always an infection prone fall-guy. Fall-guys usually don't survive beyond their first or second year of infective victimization.
  • Gorgioma: This is a tertiary stage syndrome, in which the leader gorges everybody's credits to himself or herself. This feature is characteristic of those approaching retirement. In agencies where there is no superannuation, this galloping carcinoma completely goes out of control. Usually this is accompanied by stingitis.
  • Stingitis: Unwilling to release resources in directions where it is really needed or ethical.
If you meet any of these leaders, with DSE its ok to say Holy Cow!